"State of Denial"

Everything I write here is from my own perspective. As we all know, there are multiple sides to every story. This is MY side! I've never claimed to be in expert in anything except Nutrition and Fitness :), drinking beer and laughing at myself :) hehe. So, this is MY story and I'm sticking to it bitches!!!!

As far as I'm concerned there are 53 states in the US. The53rd is the State of Denial. Have you ever been there? Well, I have! I actually lived there for a few years. Okay...may 5 or 6...but, whose counting? It's a comfortable place. The weather is always nice, a little cloudy and hazy at times, but overall quite enjoyable. Your "neighbors" are just like you! And they agree with most things you say (LOVE THAT!) And there are plenty of holes in the sand (for you to stick your head into of course!). And you can stay as long as you want! You get to choose! :)

Right before my ex-husband left me I was living in the State of Denial. I thought everything was okay. Not great...but, okay. I knew there were problems. But, we had been through so much together I thought we could make it through anything. I saw what I wanted to see. Heard what I wanted to hear. The rest I shipped to my address in the State of Denial. As he was leaving he said to me, "I told you that I wasn't happy! I told you that you needed to change! " and I said, "When the hell did you tell me all that?  I don't remember? " After all, with my Corona in hand,  I WAS vacationing in the State of Denial. Geeeezzz!
Dont get me wrong, it dosent excuse his infidelity. There is not one reason I can think of for cheating...and trust me, I have thought long and hard about all of this. But, NOPE! NOT ONE!!!!  But, in order to heal, learn and grow you have to really look at YOURSELF and really SEE!

I remember when I was trying to decide if I should stay in my marriage or leave, I had a friend say to me, "Do you fight in  front of Sydney?" Of course I was appalled! I said, "Of course not!!! What kind of mother do you think I am?" and she said, "From experience kids know more than you think". And then, all of a sudden I felt dizzy and lightheaded and it was almost like an out of body experience and I stared to remember all the fights in the car, while Syd was in the back, and all the nights she was in her crib and were fighting so bad I had to close the windows for fear the neighbors would hear.  I took a deep breath and wiped the tears from my eyes and said to my friend very calmly and almost in a whisper, "Of course we do. Of course she knows. I thought I was staying for her and now I realize I have to leave for her".

Now, the flight from the State of Denial  to Fuckin Reality fuckin SUCKS!!!!!  It's a very very long, bumpy and painful journey.. But, in the end, well worth it! Once I came back to Fuckin Reality and the clouds and haze had disappeared I began to see things more clearly.  Instead of sticking my head in the sand I now try to deal with the issues at hand. I don't feel the need to leave and numb myself as much as I use to. I visit the State of Denial every now and again. But, definitely not as much as I use to.  It's not as nice a place as I once thought....Peace