"Through My Child's Eye"

Oh how I wish I could view the world through my child's eye! She views the world in such a way that I get down right jealous! She looks at every bug, worm, bird, lizard, sunrise, sunset, beach sand, clouds, her toes, fingers, nose, grass, trees and....well...just EVERYTHING with such wonder and joy and HUMOR! A couple of months ago she was in the bathroom and she yelled for me, "MOOOOOOOOOOMY!". So, in usual mom fashion, I ran as fast as I could in total panic to my baby... and when I got there she said, "Look! An ant! It's looking for it's mommy" (isnt she sweet? ) so I of course took my thumb and squished that bastard! He tried to bite my kid after all! :) And Sydney said, "why'd you do that???!!!!! That's Gods child too! I just wanted you put him outside. He's part of nature mommy!!". Geesh kid! I just saved your life and that's all I get?

As we grow up we get scared and traumatized.  We start having preconceived notions of how things should be, could be or outta be. The truth is we know nothing and nothing is what it seems. I wish we could all start over. Have a mental and emotional rebirth. Where the world is the coolest place ever and everyday and every experience is just as amazing as the last. Where there is wonder and excitement in just waking up! Where we don't want to go to bed because we're afraid we might miss out! Where we still believe in dreams and make believe.

I watch my daughter in wonder constantly. Most of the time it brings me great joy and satisfaction (remember I'm a bad ass amazing mom :) But sometimes I feel sad that she will have her own trials and tribulations. That I cant protect her from all of that. She will get her heart broken (probably more than once), somebody will bully her and there will be nights she'll cry herself to sleep. I wont always be there to protect and comfort her, but I guess that's life! My mother never told me it was fair.


So, just for today, try to remember what the world was like when you were 5! You could fly, eat whatever you wanted without caring about your ass size, who cared if your clothes didn't matched (even better if they didn't) and you always marched to your own beat....Sounds nice dosent it?

 I know my daughter learns alot from me, but I think I learn waaaaay more from her!

Laters baby! :0)
Opps! I mean peace out bitches! ;)

"Fake It Till You Make It"

When I was in sixth grade I wanted to more than anything, AND I MEAN MORE THAN ANYTHING, to make the basketball team at Lauderdale Lakes Middle School! I wanted it sooooooo bad! I went to a predominantly black school, but I didn't realize that then, I was oblivious, it was all I knew.  So... THIS super skinny white chic tried out for the basketball team!!!  (I know... funny right?!:) Ohh...and did I mention that I sucked at basketball? But, I didn't care! In practice I ran longer than anyone, I did more drills than anyone, I practiced whenever and however I could! I was so freaking determined! I remember saying to my mom on the car ride home from practice, "mom they are all bigger and better than me. I don't know what to do". And she said, "Casie, just fake it till you make it". So, I did exactly what my mother told me to do! I watched all the older girls at practice and mimicked them. I wore my socks like them, my hair like them. I practiced dribbling and passing the ball like them. I truly faked it till I made it!

I still remember how it felt to sit on the bleachers and wait as the coaches called out names of the girls who made the team. One by one they got up and stood in line. I seriously had tears in my eyes. I had worked so unbelievably hard! Once the team players were announced and my name was NOT called I thought I was going to cry right there in front of all those tough girls. The coach then announced two alternates...and once again my name was NOT called. I couldn't help but let the tears run down my face, I was devastated! Then...one of the coaches said " I would like to add one more alternate to this team, because she never gave up and that is the kind I attitude I want on this team! Casie would you please stand up!" I almost peed my pants!!! I couldn't believe it!!! Little ol me???? Just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes.  This is a true fuckin story after all! I learned alot of lessons that day.

I then preceded to bust my ass! I drank, ate and slept basketball. I practiced as much as I could. I wanted to be better. Do better. Not just fake it, but really DO IT! When basketball season started my Coach asked me to her office and then asked me if I wanted to be ON THE TEAM! Hell ya I want to be on the team!!! So, this little ol skinny ass white bitch made Right Guard of the girls basketball team at Lauderdale Lakes Middle School!!!. It truly is one of my finest accomplishments in life. I faked it till I made it, and then once I made it, I added some more hard work and determination and accomplished what I thought was impossible. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you put your mind to it. I even have the year book picture to prove it bitches! (In one of my kajillion boxes in the garage). I then moved to Delray Beach and played basketball for Carver Middle School, but it just wasn't the same. NOBODY at that school wanted to be on the basketball team so I just walked on...I know...BORING!

To this day I still "Fake It Till I Make It". I don't always know what to do or say. I obviously don't always get it right. But, I'm always giving it my sixth grade basketball free throw shot! :-) In the last couple of years I have had alot of "first". And everytime I'm not sure what to do, I really do fake it until it comes naturally. Being a "bonus mom" was one of those experiences. It was awkward and difficult at first. But, I treated those kids as I would have wanted someone to treat my daughter and eventually it became very natural and organic. I love them as my own (awwwww.. :)

So, bitches! Try it and see how it works for you! :)
Peace out.

"Go F*ck Yourself!"

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to tell everyone in your path, "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" Well today is a day like that for me....so, "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" ;)
You see, not everything is always great in the land of "The Divorced And Free".  There are pros and cons to every situation in life. Having to share your child with not only their other parent, but with the other parents significant other (are you following me?) sucks! Especially when that other parents significant other doesn't like you! Oh yeah! Well you can GO FUCK YOURSELF TOO! I don't share very well. Just ask my siblings and my ex husband. I was never the kid that was like, "here you wanna piece of MY candy?" Instead I was like, "no bitch that's mine and if you touch it were gonna have a problem". And of course you already know I don't share the men in my life. Just ask my Divorce attorney and my ex husbands secretary :) Oh Casie!  Always making trouble :)  HeHe... Thanks for listening....have a great weekend and dont forget to GO FUCK YOURSELF! (sounds kinda nice if you think about it.. ) Peace out bitches...

"My Kid, His Kids, My Ex, His Ex... Oh My!"

And the story continues......So now I'm divorced, happy, healthy, forgiving, forgetting, praying and drinking (most of the time... and not in that order!). Here I am in another committed relationship with a man who has two children of his own and an ex-wife to boot (ooohhh Lord help me!:) So yes!! It's my kid, his kids, my ex, his ex and holy mother fucker OH MY! hehe...

I read this Jewish proverb once and it said something like,  "when two divorced people get married they get into bed with 4 people".

If hes not on the phone with his ex,  I'm on the phone with mine! That's what happens when you have children that you love more than life itself...you put their needs in front of yours...you co-parent! :)  It's not easy!! It's not even kinda easy! On a GOOD day, it sucks! You have to be a mature adult ALL THE FREAKIN TIME! Uggg!! You have to watch what you say and how you say it, the eye rolling and teeth sucking are kept to minimum and you can't really say how you feel because it just causes another fight! And the worst of all.........YOU HAVE TO COMPROMISE WITH THE PERSON YOU DIVORCED! Could it get any worse????? Actually YES!!!! You could still be with that person! (I'd rather hump a tree stump in the middle of mosquito season! :) But, the kids are happy and that makes it all worth it! And on a BAD day?? The bitch is back and all this crap goes out the window and the fighting starts where we left off.....HEY!!! Who are you to judge? I'm only human! hehe :) God willing, there's always tomorrow...Peace Out!

"Forgive and Forget"

I don't think our journey "here" is ever complete. I believe we are meant to learn and grown until infinity. My separation and eventual divorce along with a miscarriage (boo hoo) really broke me WIDE open. This openness allowed me to be receptive to what I call the Holy Spirit (you may call it something else).....you know.....that little voice that speaks to you all the time.....yeah that one :) That little voice has really taught me alot in the past few years. One of the things it has taught me is to forgive AND forget.

I really try to not talk about my ex-husband here (but I do anyway ;) ...because my life is not about him anymore (yay!). But, I love what his presence in my life has, and continues, to do for me. He of course has no idea!!!!  I've tried to explain to him all the lessons I've learned, but it goes right over his balding head! (haha! Karmas a bitch!) However, his understanding is absolutely NOT required. He has however mentioned the differences he has seen in me (your loss El Douchee :). As I mentioned in a previous blog, I had to learn to forgive myself, which eventually lead to me forgiving my ex (props! thank you Dr. Lisa!).  ALOT of people ask me how I can still be friends with my ex after everything that happened and I tell them that not only have I forgiven him.... but, I have forgotten!!!  I dumped that load of shit and never looked back! I feel that forgetting is just as important as forgiving.

As WE continue on this journey together please try to be gentle, kind and most importantly forgiving....because our time "here" is too short and it passes too quickly for us not to be happy, healthy and bitter-free! Plus,  being happy is the sweetest revenge! :) Trust me on this one.... wink wink...TGIF! It's a beach day bitches! Peace...

"To Trust or Not to Trust. That Is The Question"

When you've been through a traumatic event such as your own, your parents, or a close friends divorce, or even just a difficult relationship and/or break-up in general, I believe (and hear) that trusting again is the most difficult part of it all. I can definitely say that is true for ME! I have moved on in my life with an amazing man who has two amazing kids, but damn it's difficult! I constantly doubt and question...."what if he's not who he says he is? what if I take the leap and there's no safety net? what if it doesn't work out? are the scars too deep to heal? what if this is all some cruel fuckin joke?"

There are NO guarantees in life! It's all a big risk.  My crystal ball is broken and in the shop :). I know I drive my boyfriend coocoo for coco puffs..."where are you?  what are you doing? whose there? is that a woman's voice I hear?" Thank God he's been through what I have been through and he understands a little bit. He cuts me ALOT of slack! He NEVER makes me feel less than...he always answers my game of 50 questions calmly and politely, and then we move on. I've gotten better! Yay! ;) But, I'm a work in progress. I still struggle with to trust or not trust again. But, I have decided that I want my life to have more "Oh wells!" than "What if's". So, I'm taking a BIG leap of faith (oh yeah...faith helps ALOT in all of this :) and I'm trusting again. It's really fuckin hard. I have my moments of doubt. But, thankfully I've found someone worthy......THAT'S ME BITCHES! 
I'm worth it! :) And yes, it does help to have my "heaven sent" boy toy by my side.

Peace out....

"Did I Ever Tell You Your My Hero?"

As I've said before being a mother is the hardest job I have ever had. And I have had alot of jobs!!  From Newspaper girl, to Publix cashier, to counter help at a deli, a waitress, a bartender, a babysitter and the list goes on and on! Most of the time I worked a job or two AND went to school. But, that was easy breezy compared to being a mom! That's why I wanted to write about MY MOM! :)

She truly is my hero, I would not be who I am today if it wasn't for her. My mother was the kind of mom who made green eggs and ham for dinner (our homage to Dr. Seuss :) Sometimes we had banana splits for breakfast and orange sherbet with sugar cones from the Farm Stores for dinner. Of course, these were special occasions, which is why I remember them :) My mother allowed my siblings and myself to explore and experiment to discover who we were and who we wanted to be. She ALWAYS kissed me good night and said she loved me atleast 5 times a day! My mother was a bad ass hard working single mom who juggled 2-3 jobs with school AND 3 crazy kids (my oldest bro was with my dad). Boy did we give her a run for her money, but she returned the favor AND THEN SOME!! For those of you  who know my mother know she is no push over! Shes tough, like Superhero tough,  (that's where I get it from bitch!) But, loves her children very much and would do anything for them.
 I'm sure YOUR mother is a lot like my mother :)

I use to blame my mother for freakin EVERYTHING! You name it and it was HER fault! Yep...without a doubt...it was HER HER AND HER! And then I grew up and realized she did her best, just as most parents! And as she knew better she did better :) Just like ME! I remember during my freshman of college I wrote my mother a "please forgive me I'm an asshole" letter. She of course obliged. :)

So mother, did I ever tell you your my hero? That I'm so grateful and blessed to be just like you! :) And I wouldn't have it any other way. Loving you....Peace.

"What's Love Anyway?"

1. "Love Makes The World Go Round"..or is that money??
2. "There's A Thin Line Between Love and Hate"...boy do I know that one!
3. "I love you"..okay I'm suppose say I love you too?!?!
4. "What's Love Got To Do With It?....ummmm not a damn thing Tina!
5. "God Loves You"...and you and you and you....yay :)
6. "A Child's Love Is Like No Other"....aint that the truth!
7. "I Will Always Love You"....sing it Whitney (RIP) and ummmm are you sure about that???
8. "Love At First Site"...or was what that first (ok 6th) drink??? :)
9. "True Love"....so what is the rest???...pretend to be somebody your not love??? 
10. "Love Conquers All"...are fuckin kidding me! lol


1 Corinthians 13:4-7 
"Love is patient, love is kind
It does not envy. 
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
It keeps no record of wrongdoing. 
It does not delight in evil, 
But rejoices in the truth. 
It always protects, trusts, hopes and preserves.
There is nothing love cannot face;
There is no limit to its faith, hope and endurance. 
In a word, there are three things that last forever: 
Faith, hope, and love;
But the greatest of them is love"


What's Love anyway????
When I got married I had my mother-in-law read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 during the ceremony (in English and in Spanish...see how nice I am! Hola!). To be honest, I really didn't think too much about the message.  I just thought it was a nice little touch to my dream wedding, while I was standing in my pretty white dress at the altar with my fresh manicure and curled hair.  I wanted the dream!! The fantasy. I wanted what I had wanted since I was 2 years old. Mommy and daddy, with the yellow house, and the white picket fence, 2.2 kids and the cute rescue dog from the pound. I would learn to cook and make a mean martini and we would all live happily ever after mother fuckers! :)

I really didn't know what love was when I got married. I was with the same man since I was 23! I barely knew how to pay my electric bill! I don't think it was until I gave birth to my daughter that I really started to understand what LOVE truly is. For me, its accepting someone for ALL that they are...unconditional. Knowing who they are and still deciding to stand by their side. To be gentle and kind not only in my words but my actions. To continually think before I speak (tough one for me :), to try to put myself in their shoes and see it from their perspective. That I want to be happy not right. I'm working on it....add it to my list!
However, I do believe we should all start by loving ourselves FIRST!!! I think that the most important relationship you will ever have in your life is with YOU! 

I found this quote online and really enjoyed it...I think you will too...
"Find a guy who call you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep...wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you....The one who turns to his friends and say, "that's her"....Anonymous. 

Check!. Check! Check! Boy am I a lucky girl  :0)

What does love meant to YOU?????  Happy belated Vday! :) Peace

"State of Denial"

Everything I write here is from my own perspective. As we all know, there are multiple sides to every story. This is MY side! I've never claimed to be in expert in anything except Nutrition and Fitness :), drinking beer and laughing at myself :) hehe. So, this is MY story and I'm sticking to it bitches!!!!

As far as I'm concerned there are 53 states in the US. The53rd is the State of Denial. Have you ever been there? Well, I have! I actually lived there for a few years. Okay...may 5 or 6...but, whose counting? It's a comfortable place. The weather is always nice, a little cloudy and hazy at times, but overall quite enjoyable. Your "neighbors" are just like you! And they agree with most things you say (LOVE THAT!) And there are plenty of holes in the sand (for you to stick your head into of course!). And you can stay as long as you want! You get to choose! :)

Right before my ex-husband left me I was living in the State of Denial. I thought everything was okay. Not great...but, okay. I knew there were problems. But, we had been through so much together I thought we could make it through anything. I saw what I wanted to see. Heard what I wanted to hear. The rest I shipped to my address in the State of Denial. As he was leaving he said to me, "I told you that I wasn't happy! I told you that you needed to change! " and I said, "When the hell did you tell me all that?  I don't remember? " After all, with my Corona in hand,  I WAS vacationing in the State of Denial. Geeeezzz!
Dont get me wrong, it dosent excuse his infidelity. There is not one reason I can think of for cheating...and trust me, I have thought long and hard about all of this. But, NOPE! NOT ONE!!!!  But, in order to heal, learn and grow you have to really look at YOURSELF and really SEE!

I remember when I was trying to decide if I should stay in my marriage or leave, I had a friend say to me, "Do you fight in  front of Sydney?" Of course I was appalled! I said, "Of course not!!! What kind of mother do you think I am?" and she said, "From experience kids know more than you think". And then, all of a sudden I felt dizzy and lightheaded and it was almost like an out of body experience and I stared to remember all the fights in the car, while Syd was in the back, and all the nights she was in her crib and were fighting so bad I had to close the windows for fear the neighbors would hear.  I took a deep breath and wiped the tears from my eyes and said to my friend very calmly and almost in a whisper, "Of course we do. Of course she knows. I thought I was staying for her and now I realize I have to leave for her".

Now, the flight from the State of Denial  to Fuckin Reality fuckin SUCKS!!!!!  It's a very very long, bumpy and painful journey.. But, in the end, well worth it! Once I came back to Fuckin Reality and the clouds and haze had disappeared I began to see things more clearly.  Instead of sticking my head in the sand I now try to deal with the issues at hand. I don't feel the need to leave and numb myself as much as I use to. I visit the State of Denial every now and again. But, definitely not as much as I use to.  It's not as nice a place as I once thought....Peace

"Life Is What You Think It"

When Sydney was a toddler (crazy how time flies!) she would fall down ALL the time! Her knees were always scabbed (and still are). She gets her two left feet honestly. We're the kind of family where walls move into our head, corners of table always get into our way and our pinkie toe seems to find the corner of the wall atleast once a week (OUCH!). After she would fall down she would always look around. She was looking for a reaction from me. So, I would smile and score her landing..."Great job Syd! That was an 8.5! You can do better next time. Now brush it off and try again!". So, she would shake her leg, smile and move on with her day. Now,  if I ran to her and said,. "Sydney are you okay baby?"  She would take my nervous energy and run with it. She would cry and lean on me and want a band-aid etc...never ending saga! I decided early on that I would teach her that it's all about perspective. That not only is life what you make it, but in my opinion, life is what you think it. I've learned to look at situations differently. That whole cliche "Look at the bright side" does have some truth to it. You know when you have two people in the same room, who are watching the same thing, but have two different stories? It's two different perspectives.


 I believe that how you view your life, a situation and other people is a choice. One of my favorite authors and teachers, Marianne Williamson, calls a change in perspective a MIRACLE! That to look at something differently can change your life and attitude forever.

 
So, as with everything else I try my best. Sometimes I get Syd the band-aid to appease the situation so I can finish my beer (I kidd I kidd :) and sometimes I try to teach her the lesson...HEY!!! It aint easy being a parent let alone a single parent! :) But, I'm very blessed she choose me and that were on this amazing journey together! Peace...