"Did I Ever Tell You Your My Hero?"

As I've said before being a mother is the hardest job I have ever had. And I have had alot of jobs!!  From Newspaper girl, to Publix cashier, to counter help at a deli, a waitress, a bartender, a babysitter and the list goes on and on! Most of the time I worked a job or two AND went to school. But, that was easy breezy compared to being a mom! That's why I wanted to write about MY MOM! :)

She truly is my hero, I would not be who I am today if it wasn't for her. My mother was the kind of mom who made green eggs and ham for dinner (our homage to Dr. Seuss :) Sometimes we had banana splits for breakfast and orange sherbet with sugar cones from the Farm Stores for dinner. Of course, these were special occasions, which is why I remember them :) My mother allowed my siblings and myself to explore and experiment to discover who we were and who we wanted to be. She ALWAYS kissed me good night and said she loved me atleast 5 times a day! My mother was a bad ass hard working single mom who juggled 2-3 jobs with school AND 3 crazy kids (my oldest bro was with my dad). Boy did we give her a run for her money, but she returned the favor AND THEN SOME!! For those of you  who know my mother know she is no push over! Shes tough, like Superhero tough,  (that's where I get it from bitch!) But, loves her children very much and would do anything for them.
 I'm sure YOUR mother is a lot like my mother :)

I use to blame my mother for freakin EVERYTHING! You name it and it was HER fault! Yep...without a doubt...it was HER HER AND HER! And then I grew up and realized she did her best, just as most parents! And as she knew better she did better :) Just like ME! I remember during my freshman of college I wrote my mother a "please forgive me I'm an asshole" letter. She of course obliged. :)

So mother, did I ever tell you your my hero? That I'm so grateful and blessed to be just like you! :) And I wouldn't have it any other way. Loving you....Peace.

"What's Love Anyway?"

1. "Love Makes The World Go Round"..or is that money??
2. "There's A Thin Line Between Love and Hate"...boy do I know that one!
3. "I love you"..okay I'm suppose say I love you too?!?!
4. "What's Love Got To Do With It?....ummmm not a damn thing Tina!
5. "God Loves You"...and you and you and you....yay :)
6. "A Child's Love Is Like No Other"....aint that the truth!
7. "I Will Always Love You"....sing it Whitney (RIP) and ummmm are you sure about that???
8. "Love At First Site"...or was what that first (ok 6th) drink??? :)
9. "True Love"....so what is the rest???...pretend to be somebody your not love??? 
10. "Love Conquers All"...are fuckin kidding me! lol


1 Corinthians 13:4-7 
"Love is patient, love is kind
It does not envy. 
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
It keeps no record of wrongdoing. 
It does not delight in evil, 
But rejoices in the truth. 
It always protects, trusts, hopes and preserves.
There is nothing love cannot face;
There is no limit to its faith, hope and endurance. 
In a word, there are three things that last forever: 
Faith, hope, and love;
But the greatest of them is love"


What's Love anyway????
When I got married I had my mother-in-law read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 during the ceremony (in English and in Spanish...see how nice I am! Hola!). To be honest, I really didn't think too much about the message.  I just thought it was a nice little touch to my dream wedding, while I was standing in my pretty white dress at the altar with my fresh manicure and curled hair.  I wanted the dream!! The fantasy. I wanted what I had wanted since I was 2 years old. Mommy and daddy, with the yellow house, and the white picket fence, 2.2 kids and the cute rescue dog from the pound. I would learn to cook and make a mean martini and we would all live happily ever after mother fuckers! :)

I really didn't know what love was when I got married. I was with the same man since I was 23! I barely knew how to pay my electric bill! I don't think it was until I gave birth to my daughter that I really started to understand what LOVE truly is. For me, its accepting someone for ALL that they are...unconditional. Knowing who they are and still deciding to stand by their side. To be gentle and kind not only in my words but my actions. To continually think before I speak (tough one for me :), to try to put myself in their shoes and see it from their perspective. That I want to be happy not right. I'm working on it....add it to my list!
However, I do believe we should all start by loving ourselves FIRST!!! I think that the most important relationship you will ever have in your life is with YOU! 

I found this quote online and really enjoyed it...I think you will too...
"Find a guy who call you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep...wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you....The one who turns to his friends and say, "that's her"....Anonymous. 

Check!. Check! Check! Boy am I a lucky girl  :0)

What does love meant to YOU?????  Happy belated Vday! :) Peace

"State of Denial"

Everything I write here is from my own perspective. As we all know, there are multiple sides to every story. This is MY side! I've never claimed to be in expert in anything except Nutrition and Fitness :), drinking beer and laughing at myself :) hehe. So, this is MY story and I'm sticking to it bitches!!!!

As far as I'm concerned there are 53 states in the US. The53rd is the State of Denial. Have you ever been there? Well, I have! I actually lived there for a few years. Okay...may 5 or 6...but, whose counting? It's a comfortable place. The weather is always nice, a little cloudy and hazy at times, but overall quite enjoyable. Your "neighbors" are just like you! And they agree with most things you say (LOVE THAT!) And there are plenty of holes in the sand (for you to stick your head into of course!). And you can stay as long as you want! You get to choose! :)

Right before my ex-husband left me I was living in the State of Denial. I thought everything was okay. Not great...but, okay. I knew there were problems. But, we had been through so much together I thought we could make it through anything. I saw what I wanted to see. Heard what I wanted to hear. The rest I shipped to my address in the State of Denial. As he was leaving he said to me, "I told you that I wasn't happy! I told you that you needed to change! " and I said, "When the hell did you tell me all that?  I don't remember? " After all, with my Corona in hand,  I WAS vacationing in the State of Denial. Geeeezzz!
Dont get me wrong, it dosent excuse his infidelity. There is not one reason I can think of for cheating...and trust me, I have thought long and hard about all of this. But, NOPE! NOT ONE!!!!  But, in order to heal, learn and grow you have to really look at YOURSELF and really SEE!

I remember when I was trying to decide if I should stay in my marriage or leave, I had a friend say to me, "Do you fight in  front of Sydney?" Of course I was appalled! I said, "Of course not!!! What kind of mother do you think I am?" and she said, "From experience kids know more than you think". And then, all of a sudden I felt dizzy and lightheaded and it was almost like an out of body experience and I stared to remember all the fights in the car, while Syd was in the back, and all the nights she was in her crib and were fighting so bad I had to close the windows for fear the neighbors would hear.  I took a deep breath and wiped the tears from my eyes and said to my friend very calmly and almost in a whisper, "Of course we do. Of course she knows. I thought I was staying for her and now I realize I have to leave for her".

Now, the flight from the State of Denial  to Fuckin Reality fuckin SUCKS!!!!!  It's a very very long, bumpy and painful journey.. But, in the end, well worth it! Once I came back to Fuckin Reality and the clouds and haze had disappeared I began to see things more clearly.  Instead of sticking my head in the sand I now try to deal with the issues at hand. I don't feel the need to leave and numb myself as much as I use to. I visit the State of Denial every now and again. But, definitely not as much as I use to.  It's not as nice a place as I once thought....Peace

"Life Is What You Think It"

When Sydney was a toddler (crazy how time flies!) she would fall down ALL the time! Her knees were always scabbed (and still are). She gets her two left feet honestly. We're the kind of family where walls move into our head, corners of table always get into our way and our pinkie toe seems to find the corner of the wall atleast once a week (OUCH!). After she would fall down she would always look around. She was looking for a reaction from me. So, I would smile and score her landing..."Great job Syd! That was an 8.5! You can do better next time. Now brush it off and try again!". So, she would shake her leg, smile and move on with her day. Now,  if I ran to her and said,. "Sydney are you okay baby?"  She would take my nervous energy and run with it. She would cry and lean on me and want a band-aid etc...never ending saga! I decided early on that I would teach her that it's all about perspective. That not only is life what you make it, but in my opinion, life is what you think it. I've learned to look at situations differently. That whole cliche "Look at the bright side" does have some truth to it. You know when you have two people in the same room, who are watching the same thing, but have two different stories? It's two different perspectives.


 I believe that how you view your life, a situation and other people is a choice. One of my favorite authors and teachers, Marianne Williamson, calls a change in perspective a MIRACLE! That to look at something differently can change your life and attitude forever.

 
So, as with everything else I try my best. Sometimes I get Syd the band-aid to appease the situation so I can finish my beer (I kidd I kidd :) and sometimes I try to teach her the lesson...HEY!!! It aint easy being a parent let alone a single parent! :) But, I'm very blessed she choose me and that were on this amazing journey together! Peace...

"What You Water Grows"

I've had a "Vision Board" on the wall of my bedroom for approxiametly 7 -8 years  (I told you I watch alot of Oprah! :) I usually have quotes that inspire me in the moment along with a few future goals written on my board. Right now my goals are to save money (hollar! $$), run 3 miles in 24 minutes and have complete acceptance of my "new" life (I set my goals high!)
I've had one particular quote on my board for several months now. I'm not really sure where I got it from but, it spoke to me then and continues too now..., "What You Water Grows".  I just heard it on the radio yesterday and my yoga teacher said it on Sunday!! So of course I feel it's a sign from above that I share this message with all of YOU! :)
I have applied this quote to all my negative thoughts and feelings (bastards). The more you focus on them the worse they seem to get! I have also applied this to my parenting "style".  If you focus on the negative behavior then it seems to just multiply!  I have started to ignore my daughter when she asks the same question ten fuckin times! Of course I answer after the first or second,  but if the answer is not what she wants to hear then the badgering starts! "Mommy.....mommy....mommy.....why not?....why not?....Please....please....please"...ugggg!
I'm no expert! Just trying to get by...but, it works for me and my munchie! Try it and let me know how it goes....
So, I'm currently "watering" my gorgeous, hilarious daughter, my amazing, intelligent boyfriend, MY precious mind and soul...MY joy and MY happiness. I'm focusing on the positive at work, in my current life and into my future.

I believe you can either water the weeds or water the flowers...choice is yours!  At least for today I'm watering the flowers...talk to me tomorrow.... :) Peace.

"We All Have A Story To Tell"

For those who know me,  know that I have a knack for talking! I really don't know how to SHUT IT! Ever since I can remember I've gotten in trouble for my mouth. In school I received PLENTY of sad faces, red X's next to my name and detentions for my continuous and extreme lip service. I cant even tell you how many notes my mother received for my inability to shut the hell up! As I got older, my gift of gab got me in even more trouble. On MANY MANY occasions I have had to  "open mouth and insert foot", especially after a few beers (oh and if you get a few margaritas in me forget it!). However, as I've gotten older, my big mouth has started to serve me well. I LOVE talking to people and learning "their story". Because let's face it, we all have a story to tell and we LOVE  telling it!  We all have had, and currently have, struggles and triumphs. I've learned that some burdens are heavier and darker than others, while some people live more "privileged" lives. 

But, with that being said we've ALL been disappointed, let down, fallen down, beaten down and been down right "down and out" (say that 10 times)! But, we've all also smiled so big our cheeks hurt, cried tears of great joy,  loved the morning sun and enjoyed the moonlight and have laughed so hard we peed our pants (or is that just me??? opps! ;).

I've learned that we all want to love, be loved, have love... smell it, taste it, digest it, snuggle with it and make love to it (ohhh la la ). It doesn't matter if your rich or poor, fat or skinny, black or white, highly educated or not, live in a house or a car, married or single or with or without kids...WE ARE ALL THE SAME! We all want the same things from our lives.

Other people inspire me soooo much! It makes me feel not so alone. Like the night light has been left on for me just in case I get scared. 

I have many stories to tell. I have lived a very rich and dramatic life. I' m learning to embrace my stories and know that they are all JUST stories to be told, learned from and then filed away in the library of life for future reference, if need be. That's MY story and I'm sticking to it! What's YOURS???

Disclaimer: Hi mom! It's me, your amazing daughter. In honor of your request there is not ONE curse word in this blog (H E double hockey stick does not count)...don't expect me to do it again...I'm having withdrawals.

Peace out bitches!!! hehehe...

"Two Steps Forward and One Step Back"

Do you ever feel like just when you think you have everything under control you hit a tree? A gigantic 50 year old beautiful oak tree???  It's almost like you cant stand having peace and tranquility in your life and you just cant help yourself , so you have to fuck it all up? I believe this applies to most areas of our lives; parenting, jobs, relationships, bad habits etc...When Sydney was an infant (she was sooooo adorable :) I remember saying to my friend  "just when I think I have her on a set schedule she goes and changes on me!" The audacity!!!! :)  It's almost like the higher powers are testing you and/or have a cruel sense of humor! "Let's make everything great and then fuck it all up to see what she does! hehe! Does she really have it all together?" Well, I was tested this weekend and I got a big... FAIL! I thought to myself,  "well, two steps forward and one BIG ASS step back! Uggg..."

But, good news! Today is a  NEW day (Thank GOD) and you just have to keep moving, keep trying and the age old cliche: never give up...strong coffee and good friends help :) I said to Sydney this morning on our way to school, "Talk to me sugar plum" and she said, "I dont want to go to school".  I became a little concerned becasue she's NEVER said that to me before, I said,  "why not?" and she said, "because I want to go to work with you and sit with you and give you hugs all day". Now that just makes it ALL WORTH IT!
So, for her, for me and for those that feel my wrath when I fuck it all up...I'm giving it another shot today. So, here's to my two steps forward and another chance at getting it right...Peace.

"Good Ol' Fashion Bitch Session"

This blog is not going to have an inspirational message or a lesson learned at the end. I just needed to vent to my closest friends (YOU bitches!)
Being a mommy is freakin HARD (sorry dads, I can only speak from a vaginal point of view :)  Not a complete a triathlon hard, work full time while going to school full time hard, or even a "put on your big girl panties" and suck it up kind of day hard. But, the real deal, exhausting to your DNA with every sense of who you are,  God, Buddha, Mary and Joseph I need your help hard!!!!!! I always feel that at some point in my day that I'm totally and completely fucking up my daughter! I always seem to say and do the wrong thing! At the end of most days both her and I are crying! I love her more than I will ever be able to express, but she can piss me off like no other. My five year old daughter told me today while slamming her fist down, "I won't finish my breakfast unless you turn back on the TV!!!" "What the fuck did you just say?" is what I wanted to say to her, but of course I didn't (did I mention that she's ONLY FIVE?)  So, with a quick "attitude adjustment" I sent her to her room to cry it out, while I sat in the kitchen to cry it out! Yes mother...pay backs are a bitch and then you give birth to one. :)

So, God, Buddha, Mary, Joseph and all the other higher powers that be...please have mercy on my soul and put patience in my heart. Because if you don't, Sydney may not make it to six years old and shes super cute and has alot to offer the world so please be with me and all the other bad ass hard working mommy's out there to help us get through another day......oh yeah and where's that beer?? lol ...Amen. Peace.

"God is in Me as Me"

I've always been looking for...something. Something to make me feel better. Something to fill the void. Something to pass the time. Something to numb me. Something to make me feel alive. I just wanted... SOMETHING! I didn't know what...just SOMETHING!
I was raised in a very Christian family. I was taught to believe in God and Jesus Christ himself. I attended Church most days, sang in the Choir, went to Church Summer Camp and was the lead in many Church plays (yes me! :) But, I was still always searching for something.
 I experimented in high school and college (boy those were the days! hehe :-) But, I still found myself looking for something.  
When my ex and I separated my search for something took on a life of its own. I became somewhat obsessed. I read every self-help book I could get my hands on. I went to seminar after seminar. I meditated for minutes on end :), started attending Church again and even got re-baptized! I took medications (legal OF COURSE!: ) and sought professional therapy. But, I still found myself searching. I would journal. I would talk to my mother and friends for hours on end...but nothing seemed to do it. I continued my search.
I wish I could sit here and tell you the exact moment that I found MY SOMETHING! It would make for a better story! Everything I share with you is a true. But, I cant...I believe it was a journey just like most things in life...a gradual process.
Though all my searching I finally found my SOMETHING! Hip Hip Hooray! It was........ ME! Holy shit! Little ol' ME! I learned that all the love, support, security and compassion I was looking for was all in ME! I learned to be my own best friend. To support myself. To love myself. That in those moments of quite I discovered all the answers to my questions. I still relapse and feel that I'm not enough. That I need something,  but I have learned to go back to ME!  That "God is in Me as ME!" We were made perfect in every way. That to think otherwise is an insult. The Holy Spirit and ME are two peas in a pod...BFF's...I finally found my true and ultimate "till death due us part"...and even after that... :) Peace.

"Who am I to be brillant, gorgeous, talented and famous?"

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest feat is that we are POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE. It our LIGHT, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?" Actually, WHO ARE YOU NOT TO BE? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people wont feel insecure around you. We were born to make and manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some in of us; it's in ALL Of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, out presence automatically liberates other."

Marianne Williamson
"A Return to Love" 

Need I say more??? TGIF! Peace.