"What You Water Grows"

I've had a "Vision Board" on the wall of my bedroom for approxiametly 7 -8 years  (I told you I watch alot of Oprah! :) I usually have quotes that inspire me in the moment along with a few future goals written on my board. Right now my goals are to save money (hollar! $$), run 3 miles in 24 minutes and have complete acceptance of my "new" life (I set my goals high!)
I've had one particular quote on my board for several months now. I'm not really sure where I got it from but, it spoke to me then and continues too now..., "What You Water Grows".  I just heard it on the radio yesterday and my yoga teacher said it on Sunday!! So of course I feel it's a sign from above that I share this message with all of YOU! :)
I have applied this quote to all my negative thoughts and feelings (bastards). The more you focus on them the worse they seem to get! I have also applied this to my parenting "style".  If you focus on the negative behavior then it seems to just multiply!  I have started to ignore my daughter when she asks the same question ten fuckin times! Of course I answer after the first or second,  but if the answer is not what she wants to hear then the badgering starts! "Mommy.....mommy....mommy.....why not?....why not?....Please....please....please"...ugggg!
I'm no expert! Just trying to get by...but, it works for me and my munchie! Try it and let me know how it goes....
So, I'm currently "watering" my gorgeous, hilarious daughter, my amazing, intelligent boyfriend, MY precious mind and soul...MY joy and MY happiness. I'm focusing on the positive at work, in my current life and into my future.

I believe you can either water the weeds or water the flowers...choice is yours!  At least for today I'm watering the flowers...talk to me tomorrow.... :) Peace.

"We All Have A Story To Tell"

For those who know me,  know that I have a knack for talking! I really don't know how to SHUT IT! Ever since I can remember I've gotten in trouble for my mouth. In school I received PLENTY of sad faces, red X's next to my name and detentions for my continuous and extreme lip service. I cant even tell you how many notes my mother received for my inability to shut the hell up! As I got older, my gift of gab got me in even more trouble. On MANY MANY occasions I have had to  "open mouth and insert foot", especially after a few beers (oh and if you get a few margaritas in me forget it!). However, as I've gotten older, my big mouth has started to serve me well. I LOVE talking to people and learning "their story". Because let's face it, we all have a story to tell and we LOVE  telling it!  We all have had, and currently have, struggles and triumphs. I've learned that some burdens are heavier and darker than others, while some people live more "privileged" lives. 

But, with that being said we've ALL been disappointed, let down, fallen down, beaten down and been down right "down and out" (say that 10 times)! But, we've all also smiled so big our cheeks hurt, cried tears of great joy,  loved the morning sun and enjoyed the moonlight and have laughed so hard we peed our pants (or is that just me??? opps! ;).

I've learned that we all want to love, be loved, have love... smell it, taste it, digest it, snuggle with it and make love to it (ohhh la la ). It doesn't matter if your rich or poor, fat or skinny, black or white, highly educated or not, live in a house or a car, married or single or with or without kids...WE ARE ALL THE SAME! We all want the same things from our lives.

Other people inspire me soooo much! It makes me feel not so alone. Like the night light has been left on for me just in case I get scared. 

I have many stories to tell. I have lived a very rich and dramatic life. I' m learning to embrace my stories and know that they are all JUST stories to be told, learned from and then filed away in the library of life for future reference, if need be. That's MY story and I'm sticking to it! What's YOURS???

Disclaimer: Hi mom! It's me, your amazing daughter. In honor of your request there is not ONE curse word in this blog (H E double hockey stick does not count)...don't expect me to do it again...I'm having withdrawals.

Peace out bitches!!! hehehe...

"Two Steps Forward and One Step Back"

Do you ever feel like just when you think you have everything under control you hit a tree? A gigantic 50 year old beautiful oak tree???  It's almost like you cant stand having peace and tranquility in your life and you just cant help yourself , so you have to fuck it all up? I believe this applies to most areas of our lives; parenting, jobs, relationships, bad habits etc...When Sydney was an infant (she was sooooo adorable :) I remember saying to my friend  "just when I think I have her on a set schedule she goes and changes on me!" The audacity!!!! :)  It's almost like the higher powers are testing you and/or have a cruel sense of humor! "Let's make everything great and then fuck it all up to see what she does! hehe! Does she really have it all together?" Well, I was tested this weekend and I got a big... FAIL! I thought to myself,  "well, two steps forward and one BIG ASS step back! Uggg..."

But, good news! Today is a  NEW day (Thank GOD) and you just have to keep moving, keep trying and the age old cliche: never give up...strong coffee and good friends help :) I said to Sydney this morning on our way to school, "Talk to me sugar plum" and she said, "I dont want to go to school".  I became a little concerned becasue she's NEVER said that to me before, I said,  "why not?" and she said, "because I want to go to work with you and sit with you and give you hugs all day". Now that just makes it ALL WORTH IT!
So, for her, for me and for those that feel my wrath when I fuck it all up...I'm giving it another shot today. So, here's to my two steps forward and another chance at getting it right...Peace.

"Good Ol' Fashion Bitch Session"

This blog is not going to have an inspirational message or a lesson learned at the end. I just needed to vent to my closest friends (YOU bitches!)
Being a mommy is freakin HARD (sorry dads, I can only speak from a vaginal point of view :)  Not a complete a triathlon hard, work full time while going to school full time hard, or even a "put on your big girl panties" and suck it up kind of day hard. But, the real deal, exhausting to your DNA with every sense of who you are,  God, Buddha, Mary and Joseph I need your help hard!!!!!! I always feel that at some point in my day that I'm totally and completely fucking up my daughter! I always seem to say and do the wrong thing! At the end of most days both her and I are crying! I love her more than I will ever be able to express, but she can piss me off like no other. My five year old daughter told me today while slamming her fist down, "I won't finish my breakfast unless you turn back on the TV!!!" "What the fuck did you just say?" is what I wanted to say to her, but of course I didn't (did I mention that she's ONLY FIVE?)  So, with a quick "attitude adjustment" I sent her to her room to cry it out, while I sat in the kitchen to cry it out! Yes mother...pay backs are a bitch and then you give birth to one. :)

So, God, Buddha, Mary, Joseph and all the other higher powers that be...please have mercy on my soul and put patience in my heart. Because if you don't, Sydney may not make it to six years old and shes super cute and has alot to offer the world so please be with me and all the other bad ass hard working mommy's out there to help us get through another day......oh yeah and where's that beer?? lol ...Amen. Peace.

"God is in Me as Me"

I've always been looking for...something. Something to make me feel better. Something to fill the void. Something to pass the time. Something to numb me. Something to make me feel alive. I just wanted... SOMETHING! I didn't know what...just SOMETHING!
I was raised in a very Christian family. I was taught to believe in God and Jesus Christ himself. I attended Church most days, sang in the Choir, went to Church Summer Camp and was the lead in many Church plays (yes me! :) But, I was still always searching for something.
 I experimented in high school and college (boy those were the days! hehe :-) But, I still found myself looking for something.  
When my ex and I separated my search for something took on a life of its own. I became somewhat obsessed. I read every self-help book I could get my hands on. I went to seminar after seminar. I meditated for minutes on end :), started attending Church again and even got re-baptized! I took medications (legal OF COURSE!: ) and sought professional therapy. But, I still found myself searching. I would journal. I would talk to my mother and friends for hours on end...but nothing seemed to do it. I continued my search.
I wish I could sit here and tell you the exact moment that I found MY SOMETHING! It would make for a better story! Everything I share with you is a true. But, I cant...I believe it was a journey just like most things in life...a gradual process.
Though all my searching I finally found my SOMETHING! Hip Hip Hooray! It was........ ME! Holy shit! Little ol' ME! I learned that all the love, support, security and compassion I was looking for was all in ME! I learned to be my own best friend. To support myself. To love myself. That in those moments of quite I discovered all the answers to my questions. I still relapse and feel that I'm not enough. That I need something,  but I have learned to go back to ME!  That "God is in Me as ME!" We were made perfect in every way. That to think otherwise is an insult. The Holy Spirit and ME are two peas in a pod...BFF's...I finally found my true and ultimate "till death due us part"...and even after that... :) Peace.

"Who am I to be brillant, gorgeous, talented and famous?"

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest feat is that we are POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE. It our LIGHT, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?" Actually, WHO ARE YOU NOT TO BE? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people wont feel insecure around you. We were born to make and manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some in of us; it's in ALL Of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, out presence automatically liberates other."

Marianne Williamson
"A Return to Love" 

Need I say more??? TGIF! Peace.

"Prayers of Gratitude"

Every night my daughter and I do what we call "Prayers of Gratitude". We lay in her bed and read a book or two, and before I turn out the lights we say our prayers. We start by praying for all that we are thankful for (you can only imagine what a 5 year old is thankful for: mommy, daddy, fun dip, fancy Christmas dresses, chicken nuggets with ketchup and her everything-is-pink bedroom:). I started doing this when I left her father and I wasn't thankful for anything or anyone. I was bitter, sad, angry and watching too much Oprah (I STILL watch too much Oprah). I thought that focusing on the good instead of the bad would help take my blues away. Grass is ALWAYS greener it seems. So, for 30-60 seconds most nights we speak to the Higher Powers and thank them for all that we have and for all that we don't.
I thank God for putting me exactly where I'm suppose to be and because I know I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be I can now look at my marriage and divorce with happy thoughts and be extremely grateful for both experiences. Wasn't easy to get here, took me years!

 We all have struggles. Whether your like me and its divorce, or it's the loss of an important relationship, or a loved one, a job, poor finances etc...it's not easy to dust yourself off and pick yourself up (if it was everyone would do it!).  To quote my friend JoJo "IT SUCKS!" :) I've learned that it's in our struggles that we can learn who we are and what we stand for. I've always ACTED strong and courageous, but I knew deep down I was afraid of EVERYTHING! Of being alone, failure, not being perfect and not making the right decisions. But, now  I KNOW I'm strong and courageous. I feel it . I believe it. It's not just an act. 

I'm also very thankful for all of YOU (yes YOU! :-) reading my stories and commenting here and on Facebook. It means so much to me. So many amazing people have helped me and I hope I can give that back... Peace.

"I Want My Daddy!!!"

I have been thinking about this topic since I came up with the idea of doing a blog. But it's a difficult subject for me so I waited...but, the longer I thought about it the more I realized that if it's a difficult subject for me it must be for you too!! So, here I go...
The first time my daughter cried for her father (I'm tearing up already) was when she was 2 years old and her father and I were separated for the second time.  I moved back into the first house we ever bought (oh how I loved that house!).  She was still in a crib and I was in the living room drinking a beer, (I swear I'm not a big drinker! I only drink during these occasions and pool days) and she was crying for her daddy..."daddy! daddy!" and I thought, "what the hell am I doing? She's worth giving it another shot". I actually gave it TWO more shots in the name of Sydney and the rest is Divorce history. After our fourth and final time separating she continued to cry for her father...and I did what most mommy's do...I covered for him. I told her daddy was at work and that he missed her too (which I'm sure is true). That his phone is probably not working right and he's thinking of her too etc...Quite frankly it became EXHAUSTING! Not only was I doing anything and everything for my daughter, but I was covering for HIM? Ummmmm...Hell to the NO! So, now when she cries (which she does at least once a week) I hand her the phone and have her call him so that he can explain himself to HER! It helps that shes old enough to talk on a phone (the little shit figured out my password to my iphone and calls her peps whenever she wants :) So, now their relationship is THEIR relationship. I've quietly removed myself. I cant handle the burden. It's way too heavy. I've lightened my load and my daughter will know her father based on her own relationship with him, not what I think of him. Nobody is perfect. And as I've said before he's a good dad who loves his daughter tremendously, but I know exactly how she feels...I at one time had the same yearning for him, and just like my daughter, I was continuously disappointed. But, he still has a chance with her...
I still yearn for my father....I don't think it ever truly goes away....

"It Takes a Village"

"It takes a village to raise a child, in interdependent world" Hillary Clinton

One of the reasons that I decided to do this blog is because I have learned so much on my journey and I wanted to share those lessons with you :). One of the many lessons I learned is that in all areas of our life it takes a village! Especially in raising a child. There is no possible way to be a child's mother AND father. Trust me on this one! My mother tried and it's just impossible. However, I do believe in "father figures" and sometimes their better than the real thing (as in my childhood). When I separated and divorced my daughters father I had a really hard time accepting help. I thought I had to be this bad-ass single and ALONE mommy....that I could do it all...no problem...But I was sadly mistaken! The best thing I did for my daughter and myself was to accept all the help I could get, even from my ex-husband (gag me with a rusty fork!) haha...
It's hard to swallow your pride and say "you know what...I do need help". I thank God, the heavens and all the stars for my "Village"....my best friends (hey girl!), my amazing family (hi mom :), my awesome boyfriend and my new and "old" mommy friends. So, ask for help damn it! You know you need it! And guess what??? The people who love and adore you WANT to help! They would LOVE to help! It would make them HAPPY to help! :) Okay...you get my point...Peace.

"The Clothes of Course!"

For those of you who know my daughter, you know she is quite the character! She has a love of drama and the arts. Never a dull moment I tell ya! Like most little girls she loves princesses and castles and the Prince and and all that happily-ever-after bullshit! Yes, we are sold that fantasy at a very young age, it's part of the problem bitches!
One day I come downstairs and she watching some reality show on WEDDING dresses! I instantly panicked! There is some gorgeous Southern Bell, with her annoying mother, trying on even more gorgeous wedding dresses...I had all these thoughts in my head..."my poor baby is already fucked up!" "statistically "they" say shes doomed to be married and divorced atleast 3 times because shes from a divorced home" "good thing I have great health insurance she's gonna need atleast 5 years of therapy" "will she be GAY? I'll love her anyway...she can always adopt" "look what Ive done to my baby!" "I hate him" "did I make the right decision?" "does this EVER get easier?" "and wheres my fucking beer? :)"
So, I walk over to my darling daughter and smile...she smiles back...I say "whatcha doin?" shes says annoyed "watching TV" I say "on what?" she says annoyed "on wedding dresses" I say ohhhh....silence...mommy guilt mommy guilt mommy guilt..."what do you like about weddings Sydney?" she says annoyed..."THE CLOTHES OF COURSE!!!" She then turns back around takes a sip of her juice and continues to watch TV.
I then realized maybe she will be okay after all...that I need to chill out and let her be sometimes...that maybe the fact that shes loved by so many will in some way soften the blow of "Divorce Dysfunction"...and if shes not okay I hope I still have good health insurance for that shrink when shes a teenager! :) Peace.