"Through My Child's Eye"

Oh how I wish I could view the world through my child's eye! She views the world in such a way that I get down right jealous! She looks at every bug, worm, bird, lizard, sunrise, sunset, beach sand, clouds, her toes, fingers, nose, grass, trees and....well...just EVERYTHING with such wonder and joy and HUMOR! A couple of months ago she was in the bathroom and she yelled for me, "MOOOOOOOOOOMY!". So, in usual mom fashion, I ran as fast as I could in total panic to my baby... and when I got there she said, "Look! An ant! It's looking for it's mommy" (isnt she sweet? ) so I of course took my thumb and squished that bastard! He tried to bite my kid after all! :) And Sydney said, "why'd you do that???!!!!! That's Gods child too! I just wanted you put him outside. He's part of nature mommy!!". Geesh kid! I just saved your life and that's all I get?

As we grow up we get scared and traumatized.  We start having preconceived notions of how things should be, could be or outta be. The truth is we know nothing and nothing is what it seems. I wish we could all start over. Have a mental and emotional rebirth. Where the world is the coolest place ever and everyday and every experience is just as amazing as the last. Where there is wonder and excitement in just waking up! Where we don't want to go to bed because we're afraid we might miss out! Where we still believe in dreams and make believe.

I watch my daughter in wonder constantly. Most of the time it brings me great joy and satisfaction (remember I'm a bad ass amazing mom :) But sometimes I feel sad that she will have her own trials and tribulations. That I cant protect her from all of that. She will get her heart broken (probably more than once), somebody will bully her and there will be nights she'll cry herself to sleep. I wont always be there to protect and comfort her, but I guess that's life! My mother never told me it was fair.


So, just for today, try to remember what the world was like when you were 5! You could fly, eat whatever you wanted without caring about your ass size, who cared if your clothes didn't matched (even better if they didn't) and you always marched to your own beat....Sounds nice dosent it?

 I know my daughter learns alot from me, but I think I learn waaaaay more from her!

Laters baby! :0)
Opps! I mean peace out bitches! ;)

"Fake It Till You Make It"

When I was in sixth grade I wanted to more than anything, AND I MEAN MORE THAN ANYTHING, to make the basketball team at Lauderdale Lakes Middle School! I wanted it sooooooo bad! I went to a predominantly black school, but I didn't realize that then, I was oblivious, it was all I knew.  So... THIS super skinny white chic tried out for the basketball team!!!  (I know... funny right?!:) Ohh...and did I mention that I sucked at basketball? But, I didn't care! In practice I ran longer than anyone, I did more drills than anyone, I practiced whenever and however I could! I was so freaking determined! I remember saying to my mom on the car ride home from practice, "mom they are all bigger and better than me. I don't know what to do". And she said, "Casie, just fake it till you make it". So, I did exactly what my mother told me to do! I watched all the older girls at practice and mimicked them. I wore my socks like them, my hair like them. I practiced dribbling and passing the ball like them. I truly faked it till I made it!

I still remember how it felt to sit on the bleachers and wait as the coaches called out names of the girls who made the team. One by one they got up and stood in line. I seriously had tears in my eyes. I had worked so unbelievably hard! Once the team players were announced and my name was NOT called I thought I was going to cry right there in front of all those tough girls. The coach then announced two alternates...and once again my name was NOT called. I couldn't help but let the tears run down my face, I was devastated! Then...one of the coaches said " I would like to add one more alternate to this team, because she never gave up and that is the kind I attitude I want on this team! Casie would you please stand up!" I almost peed my pants!!! I couldn't believe it!!! Little ol me???? Just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes.  This is a true fuckin story after all! I learned alot of lessons that day.

I then preceded to bust my ass! I drank, ate and slept basketball. I practiced as much as I could. I wanted to be better. Do better. Not just fake it, but really DO IT! When basketball season started my Coach asked me to her office and then asked me if I wanted to be ON THE TEAM! Hell ya I want to be on the team!!! So, this little ol skinny ass white bitch made Right Guard of the girls basketball team at Lauderdale Lakes Middle School!!!. It truly is one of my finest accomplishments in life. I faked it till I made it, and then once I made it, I added some more hard work and determination and accomplished what I thought was impossible. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you put your mind to it. I even have the year book picture to prove it bitches! (In one of my kajillion boxes in the garage). I then moved to Delray Beach and played basketball for Carver Middle School, but it just wasn't the same. NOBODY at that school wanted to be on the basketball team so I just walked on...I know...BORING!

To this day I still "Fake It Till I Make It". I don't always know what to do or say. I obviously don't always get it right. But, I'm always giving it my sixth grade basketball free throw shot! :-) In the last couple of years I have had alot of "first". And everytime I'm not sure what to do, I really do fake it until it comes naturally. Being a "bonus mom" was one of those experiences. It was awkward and difficult at first. But, I treated those kids as I would have wanted someone to treat my daughter and eventually it became very natural and organic. I love them as my own (awwwww.. :)

So, bitches! Try it and see how it works for you! :)
Peace out.

"Go F*ck Yourself!"

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to tell everyone in your path, "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" Well today is a day like that for me....so, "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" ;)
You see, not everything is always great in the land of "The Divorced And Free".  There are pros and cons to every situation in life. Having to share your child with not only their other parent, but with the other parents significant other (are you following me?) sucks! Especially when that other parents significant other doesn't like you! Oh yeah! Well you can GO FUCK YOURSELF TOO! I don't share very well. Just ask my siblings and my ex husband. I was never the kid that was like, "here you wanna piece of MY candy?" Instead I was like, "no bitch that's mine and if you touch it were gonna have a problem". And of course you already know I don't share the men in my life. Just ask my Divorce attorney and my ex husbands secretary :) Oh Casie!  Always making trouble :)  HeHe... Thanks for listening....have a great weekend and dont forget to GO FUCK YOURSELF! (sounds kinda nice if you think about it.. ) Peace out bitches...

"My Kid, His Kids, My Ex, His Ex... Oh My!"

And the story continues......So now I'm divorced, happy, healthy, forgiving, forgetting, praying and drinking (most of the time... and not in that order!). Here I am in another committed relationship with a man who has two children of his own and an ex-wife to boot (ooohhh Lord help me!:) So yes!! It's my kid, his kids, my ex, his ex and holy mother fucker OH MY! hehe...

I read this Jewish proverb once and it said something like,  "when two divorced people get married they get into bed with 4 people".

If hes not on the phone with his ex,  I'm on the phone with mine! That's what happens when you have children that you love more than life itself...you put their needs in front of yours...you co-parent! :)  It's not easy!! It's not even kinda easy! On a GOOD day, it sucks! You have to be a mature adult ALL THE FREAKIN TIME! Uggg!! You have to watch what you say and how you say it, the eye rolling and teeth sucking are kept to minimum and you can't really say how you feel because it just causes another fight! And the worst of all.........YOU HAVE TO COMPROMISE WITH THE PERSON YOU DIVORCED! Could it get any worse????? Actually YES!!!! You could still be with that person! (I'd rather hump a tree stump in the middle of mosquito season! :) But, the kids are happy and that makes it all worth it! And on a BAD day?? The bitch is back and all this crap goes out the window and the fighting starts where we left off.....HEY!!! Who are you to judge? I'm only human! hehe :) God willing, there's always tomorrow...Peace Out!

"Forgive and Forget"

I don't think our journey "here" is ever complete. I believe we are meant to learn and grown until infinity. My separation and eventual divorce along with a miscarriage (boo hoo) really broke me WIDE open. This openness allowed me to be receptive to what I call the Holy Spirit (you may call it something else).....you know.....that little voice that speaks to you all the time.....yeah that one :) That little voice has really taught me alot in the past few years. One of the things it has taught me is to forgive AND forget.

I really try to not talk about my ex-husband here (but I do anyway ;) ...because my life is not about him anymore (yay!). But, I love what his presence in my life has, and continues, to do for me. He of course has no idea!!!!  I've tried to explain to him all the lessons I've learned, but it goes right over his balding head! (haha! Karmas a bitch!) However, his understanding is absolutely NOT required. He has however mentioned the differences he has seen in me (your loss El Douchee :). As I mentioned in a previous blog, I had to learn to forgive myself, which eventually lead to me forgiving my ex (props! thank you Dr. Lisa!).  ALOT of people ask me how I can still be friends with my ex after everything that happened and I tell them that not only have I forgiven him.... but, I have forgotten!!!  I dumped that load of shit and never looked back! I feel that forgetting is just as important as forgiving.

As WE continue on this journey together please try to be gentle, kind and most importantly forgiving....because our time "here" is too short and it passes too quickly for us not to be happy, healthy and bitter-free! Plus,  being happy is the sweetest revenge! :) Trust me on this one.... wink wink...TGIF! It's a beach day bitches! Peace...

"To Trust or Not to Trust. That Is The Question"

When you've been through a traumatic event such as your own, your parents, or a close friends divorce, or even just a difficult relationship and/or break-up in general, I believe (and hear) that trusting again is the most difficult part of it all. I can definitely say that is true for ME! I have moved on in my life with an amazing man who has two amazing kids, but damn it's difficult! I constantly doubt and question...."what if he's not who he says he is? what if I take the leap and there's no safety net? what if it doesn't work out? are the scars too deep to heal? what if this is all some cruel fuckin joke?"

There are NO guarantees in life! It's all a big risk.  My crystal ball is broken and in the shop :). I know I drive my boyfriend coocoo for coco puffs..."where are you?  what are you doing? whose there? is that a woman's voice I hear?" Thank God he's been through what I have been through and he understands a little bit. He cuts me ALOT of slack! He NEVER makes me feel less than...he always answers my game of 50 questions calmly and politely, and then we move on. I've gotten better! Yay! ;) But, I'm a work in progress. I still struggle with to trust or not trust again. But, I have decided that I want my life to have more "Oh wells!" than "What if's". So, I'm taking a BIG leap of faith (oh yeah...faith helps ALOT in all of this :) and I'm trusting again. It's really fuckin hard. I have my moments of doubt. But, thankfully I've found someone worthy......THAT'S ME BITCHES! 
I'm worth it! :) And yes, it does help to have my "heaven sent" boy toy by my side.

Peace out....

"Did I Ever Tell You Your My Hero?"

As I've said before being a mother is the hardest job I have ever had. And I have had alot of jobs!!  From Newspaper girl, to Publix cashier, to counter help at a deli, a waitress, a bartender, a babysitter and the list goes on and on! Most of the time I worked a job or two AND went to school. But, that was easy breezy compared to being a mom! That's why I wanted to write about MY MOM! :)

She truly is my hero, I would not be who I am today if it wasn't for her. My mother was the kind of mom who made green eggs and ham for dinner (our homage to Dr. Seuss :) Sometimes we had banana splits for breakfast and orange sherbet with sugar cones from the Farm Stores for dinner. Of course, these were special occasions, which is why I remember them :) My mother allowed my siblings and myself to explore and experiment to discover who we were and who we wanted to be. She ALWAYS kissed me good night and said she loved me atleast 5 times a day! My mother was a bad ass hard working single mom who juggled 2-3 jobs with school AND 3 crazy kids (my oldest bro was with my dad). Boy did we give her a run for her money, but she returned the favor AND THEN SOME!! For those of you  who know my mother know she is no push over! Shes tough, like Superhero tough,  (that's where I get it from bitch!) But, loves her children very much and would do anything for them.
 I'm sure YOUR mother is a lot like my mother :)

I use to blame my mother for freakin EVERYTHING! You name it and it was HER fault! Yep...without a doubt...it was HER HER AND HER! And then I grew up and realized she did her best, just as most parents! And as she knew better she did better :) Just like ME! I remember during my freshman of college I wrote my mother a "please forgive me I'm an asshole" letter. She of course obliged. :)

So mother, did I ever tell you your my hero? That I'm so grateful and blessed to be just like you! :) And I wouldn't have it any other way. Loving you....Peace.

"What's Love Anyway?"

1. "Love Makes The World Go Round"..or is that money??
2. "There's A Thin Line Between Love and Hate"...boy do I know that one!
3. "I love you"..okay I'm suppose say I love you too?!?!
4. "What's Love Got To Do With It?....ummmm not a damn thing Tina!
5. "God Loves You"...and you and you and you....yay :)
6. "A Child's Love Is Like No Other"....aint that the truth!
7. "I Will Always Love You"....sing it Whitney (RIP) and ummmm are you sure about that???
8. "Love At First Site"...or was what that first (ok 6th) drink??? :)
9. "True Love"....so what is the rest???...pretend to be somebody your not love??? 
10. "Love Conquers All"...are fuckin kidding me! lol


1 Corinthians 13:4-7 
"Love is patient, love is kind
It does not envy. 
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
It keeps no record of wrongdoing. 
It does not delight in evil, 
But rejoices in the truth. 
It always protects, trusts, hopes and preserves.
There is nothing love cannot face;
There is no limit to its faith, hope and endurance. 
In a word, there are three things that last forever: 
Faith, hope, and love;
But the greatest of them is love"


What's Love anyway????
When I got married I had my mother-in-law read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 during the ceremony (in English and in Spanish...see how nice I am! Hola!). To be honest, I really didn't think too much about the message.  I just thought it was a nice little touch to my dream wedding, while I was standing in my pretty white dress at the altar with my fresh manicure and curled hair.  I wanted the dream!! The fantasy. I wanted what I had wanted since I was 2 years old. Mommy and daddy, with the yellow house, and the white picket fence, 2.2 kids and the cute rescue dog from the pound. I would learn to cook and make a mean martini and we would all live happily ever after mother fuckers! :)

I really didn't know what love was when I got married. I was with the same man since I was 23! I barely knew how to pay my electric bill! I don't think it was until I gave birth to my daughter that I really started to understand what LOVE truly is. For me, its accepting someone for ALL that they are...unconditional. Knowing who they are and still deciding to stand by their side. To be gentle and kind not only in my words but my actions. To continually think before I speak (tough one for me :), to try to put myself in their shoes and see it from their perspective. That I want to be happy not right. I'm working on it....add it to my list!
However, I do believe we should all start by loving ourselves FIRST!!! I think that the most important relationship you will ever have in your life is with YOU! 

I found this quote online and really enjoyed it...I think you will too...
"Find a guy who call you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep...wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you....The one who turns to his friends and say, "that's her"....Anonymous. 

Check!. Check! Check! Boy am I a lucky girl  :0)

What does love meant to YOU?????  Happy belated Vday! :) Peace

"State of Denial"

Everything I write here is from my own perspective. As we all know, there are multiple sides to every story. This is MY side! I've never claimed to be in expert in anything except Nutrition and Fitness :), drinking beer and laughing at myself :) hehe. So, this is MY story and I'm sticking to it bitches!!!!

As far as I'm concerned there are 53 states in the US. The53rd is the State of Denial. Have you ever been there? Well, I have! I actually lived there for a few years. Okay...may 5 or 6...but, whose counting? It's a comfortable place. The weather is always nice, a little cloudy and hazy at times, but overall quite enjoyable. Your "neighbors" are just like you! And they agree with most things you say (LOVE THAT!) And there are plenty of holes in the sand (for you to stick your head into of course!). And you can stay as long as you want! You get to choose! :)

Right before my ex-husband left me I was living in the State of Denial. I thought everything was okay. Not great...but, okay. I knew there were problems. But, we had been through so much together I thought we could make it through anything. I saw what I wanted to see. Heard what I wanted to hear. The rest I shipped to my address in the State of Denial. As he was leaving he said to me, "I told you that I wasn't happy! I told you that you needed to change! " and I said, "When the hell did you tell me all that?  I don't remember? " After all, with my Corona in hand,  I WAS vacationing in the State of Denial. Geeeezzz!
Dont get me wrong, it dosent excuse his infidelity. There is not one reason I can think of for cheating...and trust me, I have thought long and hard about all of this. But, NOPE! NOT ONE!!!!  But, in order to heal, learn and grow you have to really look at YOURSELF and really SEE!

I remember when I was trying to decide if I should stay in my marriage or leave, I had a friend say to me, "Do you fight in  front of Sydney?" Of course I was appalled! I said, "Of course not!!! What kind of mother do you think I am?" and she said, "From experience kids know more than you think". And then, all of a sudden I felt dizzy and lightheaded and it was almost like an out of body experience and I stared to remember all the fights in the car, while Syd was in the back, and all the nights she was in her crib and were fighting so bad I had to close the windows for fear the neighbors would hear.  I took a deep breath and wiped the tears from my eyes and said to my friend very calmly and almost in a whisper, "Of course we do. Of course she knows. I thought I was staying for her and now I realize I have to leave for her".

Now, the flight from the State of Denial  to Fuckin Reality fuckin SUCKS!!!!!  It's a very very long, bumpy and painful journey.. But, in the end, well worth it! Once I came back to Fuckin Reality and the clouds and haze had disappeared I began to see things more clearly.  Instead of sticking my head in the sand I now try to deal with the issues at hand. I don't feel the need to leave and numb myself as much as I use to. I visit the State of Denial every now and again. But, definitely not as much as I use to.  It's not as nice a place as I once thought....Peace

"Life Is What You Think It"

When Sydney was a toddler (crazy how time flies!) she would fall down ALL the time! Her knees were always scabbed (and still are). She gets her two left feet honestly. We're the kind of family where walls move into our head, corners of table always get into our way and our pinkie toe seems to find the corner of the wall atleast once a week (OUCH!). After she would fall down she would always look around. She was looking for a reaction from me. So, I would smile and score her landing..."Great job Syd! That was an 8.5! You can do better next time. Now brush it off and try again!". So, she would shake her leg, smile and move on with her day. Now,  if I ran to her and said,. "Sydney are you okay baby?"  She would take my nervous energy and run with it. She would cry and lean on me and want a band-aid etc...never ending saga! I decided early on that I would teach her that it's all about perspective. That not only is life what you make it, but in my opinion, life is what you think it. I've learned to look at situations differently. That whole cliche "Look at the bright side" does have some truth to it. You know when you have two people in the same room, who are watching the same thing, but have two different stories? It's two different perspectives.


 I believe that how you view your life, a situation and other people is a choice. One of my favorite authors and teachers, Marianne Williamson, calls a change in perspective a MIRACLE! That to look at something differently can change your life and attitude forever.

 
So, as with everything else I try my best. Sometimes I get Syd the band-aid to appease the situation so I can finish my beer (I kidd I kidd :) and sometimes I try to teach her the lesson...HEY!!! It aint easy being a parent let alone a single parent! :) But, I'm very blessed she choose me and that were on this amazing journey together! Peace...

"What You Water Grows"

I've had a "Vision Board" on the wall of my bedroom for approxiametly 7 -8 years  (I told you I watch alot of Oprah! :) I usually have quotes that inspire me in the moment along with a few future goals written on my board. Right now my goals are to save money (hollar! $$), run 3 miles in 24 minutes and have complete acceptance of my "new" life (I set my goals high!)
I've had one particular quote on my board for several months now. I'm not really sure where I got it from but, it spoke to me then and continues too now..., "What You Water Grows".  I just heard it on the radio yesterday and my yoga teacher said it on Sunday!! So of course I feel it's a sign from above that I share this message with all of YOU! :)
I have applied this quote to all my negative thoughts and feelings (bastards). The more you focus on them the worse they seem to get! I have also applied this to my parenting "style".  If you focus on the negative behavior then it seems to just multiply!  I have started to ignore my daughter when she asks the same question ten fuckin times! Of course I answer after the first or second,  but if the answer is not what she wants to hear then the badgering starts! "Mommy.....mommy....mommy.....why not?....why not?....Please....please....please"...ugggg!
I'm no expert! Just trying to get by...but, it works for me and my munchie! Try it and let me know how it goes....
So, I'm currently "watering" my gorgeous, hilarious daughter, my amazing, intelligent boyfriend, MY precious mind and soul...MY joy and MY happiness. I'm focusing on the positive at work, in my current life and into my future.

I believe you can either water the weeds or water the flowers...choice is yours!  At least for today I'm watering the flowers...talk to me tomorrow.... :) Peace.

"We All Have A Story To Tell"

For those who know me,  know that I have a knack for talking! I really don't know how to SHUT IT! Ever since I can remember I've gotten in trouble for my mouth. In school I received PLENTY of sad faces, red X's next to my name and detentions for my continuous and extreme lip service. I cant even tell you how many notes my mother received for my inability to shut the hell up! As I got older, my gift of gab got me in even more trouble. On MANY MANY occasions I have had to  "open mouth and insert foot", especially after a few beers (oh and if you get a few margaritas in me forget it!). However, as I've gotten older, my big mouth has started to serve me well. I LOVE talking to people and learning "their story". Because let's face it, we all have a story to tell and we LOVE  telling it!  We all have had, and currently have, struggles and triumphs. I've learned that some burdens are heavier and darker than others, while some people live more "privileged" lives. 

But, with that being said we've ALL been disappointed, let down, fallen down, beaten down and been down right "down and out" (say that 10 times)! But, we've all also smiled so big our cheeks hurt, cried tears of great joy,  loved the morning sun and enjoyed the moonlight and have laughed so hard we peed our pants (or is that just me??? opps! ;).

I've learned that we all want to love, be loved, have love... smell it, taste it, digest it, snuggle with it and make love to it (ohhh la la ). It doesn't matter if your rich or poor, fat or skinny, black or white, highly educated or not, live in a house or a car, married or single or with or without kids...WE ARE ALL THE SAME! We all want the same things from our lives.

Other people inspire me soooo much! It makes me feel not so alone. Like the night light has been left on for me just in case I get scared. 

I have many stories to tell. I have lived a very rich and dramatic life. I' m learning to embrace my stories and know that they are all JUST stories to be told, learned from and then filed away in the library of life for future reference, if need be. That's MY story and I'm sticking to it! What's YOURS???

Disclaimer: Hi mom! It's me, your amazing daughter. In honor of your request there is not ONE curse word in this blog (H E double hockey stick does not count)...don't expect me to do it again...I'm having withdrawals.

Peace out bitches!!! hehehe...

"Two Steps Forward and One Step Back"

Do you ever feel like just when you think you have everything under control you hit a tree? A gigantic 50 year old beautiful oak tree???  It's almost like you cant stand having peace and tranquility in your life and you just cant help yourself , so you have to fuck it all up? I believe this applies to most areas of our lives; parenting, jobs, relationships, bad habits etc...When Sydney was an infant (she was sooooo adorable :) I remember saying to my friend  "just when I think I have her on a set schedule she goes and changes on me!" The audacity!!!! :)  It's almost like the higher powers are testing you and/or have a cruel sense of humor! "Let's make everything great and then fuck it all up to see what she does! hehe! Does she really have it all together?" Well, I was tested this weekend and I got a big... FAIL! I thought to myself,  "well, two steps forward and one BIG ASS step back! Uggg..."

But, good news! Today is a  NEW day (Thank GOD) and you just have to keep moving, keep trying and the age old cliche: never give up...strong coffee and good friends help :) I said to Sydney this morning on our way to school, "Talk to me sugar plum" and she said, "I dont want to go to school".  I became a little concerned becasue she's NEVER said that to me before, I said,  "why not?" and she said, "because I want to go to work with you and sit with you and give you hugs all day". Now that just makes it ALL WORTH IT!
So, for her, for me and for those that feel my wrath when I fuck it all up...I'm giving it another shot today. So, here's to my two steps forward and another chance at getting it right...Peace.

"Good Ol' Fashion Bitch Session"

This blog is not going to have an inspirational message or a lesson learned at the end. I just needed to vent to my closest friends (YOU bitches!)
Being a mommy is freakin HARD (sorry dads, I can only speak from a vaginal point of view :)  Not a complete a triathlon hard, work full time while going to school full time hard, or even a "put on your big girl panties" and suck it up kind of day hard. But, the real deal, exhausting to your DNA with every sense of who you are,  God, Buddha, Mary and Joseph I need your help hard!!!!!! I always feel that at some point in my day that I'm totally and completely fucking up my daughter! I always seem to say and do the wrong thing! At the end of most days both her and I are crying! I love her more than I will ever be able to express, but she can piss me off like no other. My five year old daughter told me today while slamming her fist down, "I won't finish my breakfast unless you turn back on the TV!!!" "What the fuck did you just say?" is what I wanted to say to her, but of course I didn't (did I mention that she's ONLY FIVE?)  So, with a quick "attitude adjustment" I sent her to her room to cry it out, while I sat in the kitchen to cry it out! Yes mother...pay backs are a bitch and then you give birth to one. :)

So, God, Buddha, Mary, Joseph and all the other higher powers that be...please have mercy on my soul and put patience in my heart. Because if you don't, Sydney may not make it to six years old and shes super cute and has alot to offer the world so please be with me and all the other bad ass hard working mommy's out there to help us get through another day......oh yeah and where's that beer?? lol ...Amen. Peace.

"God is in Me as Me"

I've always been looking for...something. Something to make me feel better. Something to fill the void. Something to pass the time. Something to numb me. Something to make me feel alive. I just wanted... SOMETHING! I didn't know what...just SOMETHING!
I was raised in a very Christian family. I was taught to believe in God and Jesus Christ himself. I attended Church most days, sang in the Choir, went to Church Summer Camp and was the lead in many Church plays (yes me! :) But, I was still always searching for something.
 I experimented in high school and college (boy those were the days! hehe :-) But, I still found myself looking for something.  
When my ex and I separated my search for something took on a life of its own. I became somewhat obsessed. I read every self-help book I could get my hands on. I went to seminar after seminar. I meditated for minutes on end :), started attending Church again and even got re-baptized! I took medications (legal OF COURSE!: ) and sought professional therapy. But, I still found myself searching. I would journal. I would talk to my mother and friends for hours on end...but nothing seemed to do it. I continued my search.
I wish I could sit here and tell you the exact moment that I found MY SOMETHING! It would make for a better story! Everything I share with you is a true. But, I cant...I believe it was a journey just like most things in life...a gradual process.
Though all my searching I finally found my SOMETHING! Hip Hip Hooray! It was........ ME! Holy shit! Little ol' ME! I learned that all the love, support, security and compassion I was looking for was all in ME! I learned to be my own best friend. To support myself. To love myself. That in those moments of quite I discovered all the answers to my questions. I still relapse and feel that I'm not enough. That I need something,  but I have learned to go back to ME!  That "God is in Me as ME!" We were made perfect in every way. That to think otherwise is an insult. The Holy Spirit and ME are two peas in a pod...BFF's...I finally found my true and ultimate "till death due us part"...and even after that... :) Peace.

"Who am I to be brillant, gorgeous, talented and famous?"

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest feat is that we are POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE. It our LIGHT, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?" Actually, WHO ARE YOU NOT TO BE? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people wont feel insecure around you. We were born to make and manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some in of us; it's in ALL Of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, out presence automatically liberates other."

Marianne Williamson
"A Return to Love" 

Need I say more??? TGIF! Peace.

"Prayers of Gratitude"

Every night my daughter and I do what we call "Prayers of Gratitude". We lay in her bed and read a book or two, and before I turn out the lights we say our prayers. We start by praying for all that we are thankful for (you can only imagine what a 5 year old is thankful for: mommy, daddy, fun dip, fancy Christmas dresses, chicken nuggets with ketchup and her everything-is-pink bedroom:). I started doing this when I left her father and I wasn't thankful for anything or anyone. I was bitter, sad, angry and watching too much Oprah (I STILL watch too much Oprah). I thought that focusing on the good instead of the bad would help take my blues away. Grass is ALWAYS greener it seems. So, for 30-60 seconds most nights we speak to the Higher Powers and thank them for all that we have and for all that we don't.
I thank God for putting me exactly where I'm suppose to be and because I know I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be I can now look at my marriage and divorce with happy thoughts and be extremely grateful for both experiences. Wasn't easy to get here, took me years!

 We all have struggles. Whether your like me and its divorce, or it's the loss of an important relationship, or a loved one, a job, poor finances etc...it's not easy to dust yourself off and pick yourself up (if it was everyone would do it!).  To quote my friend JoJo "IT SUCKS!" :) I've learned that it's in our struggles that we can learn who we are and what we stand for. I've always ACTED strong and courageous, but I knew deep down I was afraid of EVERYTHING! Of being alone, failure, not being perfect and not making the right decisions. But, now  I KNOW I'm strong and courageous. I feel it . I believe it. It's not just an act. 

I'm also very thankful for all of YOU (yes YOU! :-) reading my stories and commenting here and on Facebook. It means so much to me. So many amazing people have helped me and I hope I can give that back... Peace.

"I Want My Daddy!!!"

I have been thinking about this topic since I came up with the idea of doing a blog. But it's a difficult subject for me so I waited...but, the longer I thought about it the more I realized that if it's a difficult subject for me it must be for you too!! So, here I go...
The first time my daughter cried for her father (I'm tearing up already) was when she was 2 years old and her father and I were separated for the second time.  I moved back into the first house we ever bought (oh how I loved that house!).  She was still in a crib and I was in the living room drinking a beer, (I swear I'm not a big drinker! I only drink during these occasions and pool days) and she was crying for her daddy..."daddy! daddy!" and I thought, "what the hell am I doing? She's worth giving it another shot". I actually gave it TWO more shots in the name of Sydney and the rest is Divorce history. After our fourth and final time separating she continued to cry for her father...and I did what most mommy's do...I covered for him. I told her daddy was at work and that he missed her too (which I'm sure is true). That his phone is probably not working right and he's thinking of her too etc...Quite frankly it became EXHAUSTING! Not only was I doing anything and everything for my daughter, but I was covering for HIM? Ummmmm...Hell to the NO! So, now when she cries (which she does at least once a week) I hand her the phone and have her call him so that he can explain himself to HER! It helps that shes old enough to talk on a phone (the little shit figured out my password to my iphone and calls her peps whenever she wants :) So, now their relationship is THEIR relationship. I've quietly removed myself. I cant handle the burden. It's way too heavy. I've lightened my load and my daughter will know her father based on her own relationship with him, not what I think of him. Nobody is perfect. And as I've said before he's a good dad who loves his daughter tremendously, but I know exactly how she feels...I at one time had the same yearning for him, and just like my daughter, I was continuously disappointed. But, he still has a chance with her...
I still yearn for my father....I don't think it ever truly goes away....

"It Takes a Village"

"It takes a village to raise a child, in interdependent world" Hillary Clinton

One of the reasons that I decided to do this blog is because I have learned so much on my journey and I wanted to share those lessons with you :). One of the many lessons I learned is that in all areas of our life it takes a village! Especially in raising a child. There is no possible way to be a child's mother AND father. Trust me on this one! My mother tried and it's just impossible. However, I do believe in "father figures" and sometimes their better than the real thing (as in my childhood). When I separated and divorced my daughters father I had a really hard time accepting help. I thought I had to be this bad-ass single and ALONE mommy....that I could do it all...no problem...But I was sadly mistaken! The best thing I did for my daughter and myself was to accept all the help I could get, even from my ex-husband (gag me with a rusty fork!) haha...
It's hard to swallow your pride and say "you know what...I do need help". I thank God, the heavens and all the stars for my "Village"....my best friends (hey girl!), my amazing family (hi mom :), my awesome boyfriend and my new and "old" mommy friends. So, ask for help damn it! You know you need it! And guess what??? The people who love and adore you WANT to help! They would LOVE to help! It would make them HAPPY to help! :) Okay...you get my point...Peace.

"The Clothes of Course!"

For those of you who know my daughter, you know she is quite the character! She has a love of drama and the arts. Never a dull moment I tell ya! Like most little girls she loves princesses and castles and the Prince and and all that happily-ever-after bullshit! Yes, we are sold that fantasy at a very young age, it's part of the problem bitches!
One day I come downstairs and she watching some reality show on WEDDING dresses! I instantly panicked! There is some gorgeous Southern Bell, with her annoying mother, trying on even more gorgeous wedding dresses...I had all these thoughts in my head..."my poor baby is already fucked up!" "statistically "they" say shes doomed to be married and divorced atleast 3 times because shes from a divorced home" "good thing I have great health insurance she's gonna need atleast 5 years of therapy" "will she be GAY? I'll love her anyway...she can always adopt" "look what Ive done to my baby!" "I hate him" "did I make the right decision?" "does this EVER get easier?" "and wheres my fucking beer? :)"
So, I walk over to my darling daughter and smile...she smiles back...I say "whatcha doin?" shes says annoyed "watching TV" I say "on what?" she says annoyed "on wedding dresses" I say ohhhh....silence...mommy guilt mommy guilt mommy guilt..."what do you like about weddings Sydney?" she says annoyed..."THE CLOTHES OF COURSE!!!" She then turns back around takes a sip of her juice and continues to watch TV.
I then realized maybe she will be okay after all...that I need to chill out and let her be sometimes...that maybe the fact that shes loved by so many will in some way soften the blow of "Divorce Dysfunction"...and if shes not okay I hope I still have good health insurance for that shrink when shes a teenager! :) Peace.

"Theres a light at the end of the tunnel and its not a train!"

"As long as I bind you to your past, I will feel bound to mine".

As with most sad stories there is always a happy ending...if that whats YOU CHOOSE! Remember those books in 6th grade where you got to choose the ending of the story? Well I've learned that life is like that too. It's all a choice. The biggest pill for me to swallow was that I was also to blame for the fact that my daughter was from a divorced home. Its takes two people to make and brake a marriage (or any relationship). I made many many mistakes that I wish I could take back. But, I cant. And so here we are! Forgiving my ex was the easy part after I leaned to forgive myself. That was the hardest thing I have ever done (other than natural child birth! I told you I was a bad ass bitch :). I had to look at myself in the mirror and say "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not loving you, caring for you and trusting you". I then went and bought myself flowers and chocolate (true story) and a massage and a new pair of shoes (of course!!).
So, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a train! And if it is hopefully is the TriRail and it's small and quick! My light at the end of my tunnel was not only ME! Yay! Because I rock :) and my equally as fabulous daughter but a blonde haired blued eyed sexy cyclist I'll call Antonio. So, this is not a "Dating Tips for Single Moms" blog. I've never been much of a dater...I married my third real boyfriend! Sad but true. But the higher powers rewarded me for all my hard work and brought me romantic love! To quote the infamous Fancy Nancy "Ohh La La!"

Let Go Let God.
Peace.

"Where I Have Been"

Well in order to write about where I am, and where I'm going, I figured I should write about where I have been. I'll try to make it short, but for those whose know me, know that is a difficult task!
I unfortunately, or fortunately (all depends on how you look at it) come from a divorced home. My parents divorced when I was two (my oldest brother was 7, my sister was 4 and my lil brother was only 9 months old). So, you can imagine the chaos and turmoil my childhood was full of. As all of us single mommy's (and partnered) we do our best and my mom did the same. But, sadly her best was not good enough. However, I love my mother almost as much as my daughter! :) For these reasons and many more I swore I would never be divorced! Let alone a SINGLE MOTHER! No way! Jose! Not in a million fuckin ca-trillion years! So, you can imagine my surprise when my ex-husband (who I affectionately call El Douche) said to me, bags packed, on his way out the door, "I don't think I'm in love with you anymore" bullshit (time frame: my daughter had just turned one). What the fuck does that mean anyway???
After many many nights of crying on the bathroom floor, and months of chain smoking and living on Gatorade and bananas (the only food I could keep down) I discovered that not only did my ex not keep his promises to me (till death do us part...ummm...hello!!) but he was a classic cliche: he was screwing his 22 year old assistant! HAHAHA! See I can laugh about it now. Then, I threw all his belongings in our pool, washed our toilet with his toothbrush (oh yes I did :) and kicked him out. Did I say long story made short?? :) So, here we are 4 years later! Happy, healthy, thriving and most importantly living! My ex and I have come a long way. We still have our moments, but thanks to me we are friendly and he's a good daddy who loves his daughter very much.
This is all about moving forward....I'll try not be male bash, but I cant promise anything. He still pisses me off! But, we never speak of the affair anymore. I forgave him. Trust me he knows it's his loss! "I'm sexy and I know it" :) Peace.

My first

Well there is a first for everything in life. And this is my first post. I have been thinking of writing about my experiences as a divorced single working mom for some time now.  I had no idea about the world of "blogs". How exciting! Being a single mom can be rewarding and devastating all at the same time! I feel that I struggle on almost every level. My freinds and family tell me I'm doing an amazing job but I feel like a complete HOT MESS 99% of the time!!! Its only when my daughter is fed, clean, book read to and sleeping that the 1% of success kicks in! :) I'm tired! And need a beer. :)